And again…

Purged again last night…oh god the ED is running my life at the moment. I hadn’t even eaten out of my usual routine (just some fruit and cheese) yet I lay on the living room floor trying to write a letter and all that was going through my head was “got to be sick, got to get rid of it, got to be sick…” so I sneaked off to the bathroom and quietly purged the contents of my stomach into that dreaded toilet bowl. My parents were in the conservatory and I don’t think they suspected a thing. I hate the shame, the deceit, the disgusting behaviour…

Saw K today and reassured she doesn’t hate me. In response to her comment, there was nothing she could have done and yes I let MYSELF down. Always failing myself each time I crawl back to the damn anorexia.

Not much to say because I’m tired after a day’s shopping with my other friend S and now I just want to sit down and chill. Ooooh and I’m following the chiropractors advice and have swapped some of my diet coke for water with freshly squeezed oragnic lemon. Drank about 1.5 litres of the stuff today, it just doesn’t have the hit that coke does

I’m so ashamed…

Last night I did something awful; well in my eyes it was awful. I let my best friend down. We went to the cinema, it was supposed to be a fun and relaxing evening. I ate (”binged” in my mind) and 5mins later purged in the toilets while K was waiting for me. I couldn’t tell her what I’d done for fear of ruining our evening but now I just feel such shame. I feel I wasn’t honest with her and I hate myself for that. I’m sorry K, if you’re reading this please forgive me!

The ED is running amok at the moment and I feel like a puppet on a string. I just want to close down and shut everyone and everything out but I can’t. If I do that I’ve given in and I may as well admit defeat. I won’t do that…I won’t quit!

This is what EDs really look like…deceit, shame and always running away. Throwing up in toilets here there and everywhere, panicking over every morsel you eat. I can’t keep doing this, I’m not strong enough yet every day I pick myself up dust myself off and keep of going.  It’s horrible…don’t ever go down this road if you can help it.

Quotes in my head…

I am only me, that is all I can be, no more, no less, don`t second guess ~ I love, I live, I laugh, I cry, I`ve wished at times that I could die ~ Some days I am funny, some days I am not, sometimes I`m in overdrive and can`t stop ~ I am a loyal and honest friend, you know that I`ll be there till the end ~ I am romantic, sensual, sexual, and passionate too ~ The love of my life I will share this with you ~ I can be sweet and shy and sassy and bold ~ I`m quite a handful at times, or so I`ve been told ~ I am not perfect, I do have my faults, like when I get scared I put up a high wall, or I`m not forgiving as I`d sometimes like to be, and when I`m hurt, I hurt deeply ~ My logic is all my own, at times misunderstood, because I don`t always do things for my own good ~ I have many facets like a diamond you see~I AM ME AND THAT`S ALL I CAN BE~

 

Someone gave me that quote ages ago and I lost the piece of paper it was on. Bits of it have floated around in my head so tonight I googled it and yay I found it It pretty much sums up how I feel. And thank you everyone for the comments. And K, you are MUCH loved too

Ooooooh…frustration!

Anyone who knows me knows I hate lies. I don’t like lies from other people and I don’t like telling lies. Yes a long time ago in the depth of my illness I was a skilled liar but these days myself and my treatment team have a very open relationship…if I think it, I’ll say it and I expect honesty on both sides. Okay so bring in a new dietician and I’m being made out to be a liar…oooooh it makes me so angry. For a start she doesn’t think I’m lying by telling her I’m eating MORE than I am, she thinks I’m lying by telling her I’m eating LESS than I am. Now just why would I do that? It makes no sense. Obviously if I was to lie to them and tell them I was eating less then they are going to get on my back more and try to increase what I’m eating. It just makes me so angry that my honesty is being doubted and the whole situation is just so ridiculous it could almost be laughable. I even came out of our session doubting myself and asking mum if she can confirm what I eat/take through the PEG incase I was missing something out and her list exactly correlates with mine. Okay so according to said dietician with my intake I should have a BMI of 10 but for god’s sake I don’t know why I’m maintaining a higher BMI and not dropping massive amounts of weight. I seriously don’t know because I’m restricting like mad so unless I’m eating in my sleep or someone is swapping my feed for a super high calorie one then maybe I am just a freak of nature. And the dietician’s answer to everything: if I’d just eat toast then I wouldn’t need a PEG. Woop de woop toast is the miracle cure we have all been waiting for. Incidentally as I may (or may not) have mentioned yesterday, this dietician was alos my dietician in the inpatient EDU and yes she thought toast was a miracle cure then too.

Apart from that a fantastic session with the pyschologist which made me think and opened my eyes to a lot of new ways of coping and a relaxing session in physio apart from the fact I was bubbling with anger from my previous session with the dietician. I’m not a liar…so please don’t make me out to be. Why would I lie if there was nothing to be gained from it…?

Sunny day, yay! Didn’t get to spend much of it outside but did get a wee seat in the sun for a while this afternoon. Oh and I’ve had my fluids strictly limited so not sure how that is going to go. Halved from 4.5 litres to 2 litres…it’s a big cut!

Head spin and confusion. I did take my feed last night though so the friction at home is greatly reduced. More soon…

It’s hard…

Struggling on. Realise I haven’t posted in quite a few days but the motivation just hasn’t been there. After the last bout of peritonitis my bowel stopped working so I’ve been having some pretty major problems with that. Taking laxatives, even when they are prescribed by my doctor, messes with my anorexic mind set. I still see them as somethingI abued for a very long time. The bloating also messed with my mind and had me thinking my worst nightmare had come true and I really was getting better by the day. Add to that trying to get used to a PEG tube that I couldn’t just pull out and I’ve had some pretty strong head shit going on.

Last night I panicked. I was sore, I felt fat and I had eaten a little so I refused my feed for the first in a very long time. I didn’t even bother trying to mess around with it, I just outright refused it. It’s not so easy to mess around with these days as the PEG needs flushing immediately after feeding so Mum is usually listening out for my pump alarming in the morning and coming through to disconnect and flush the tube. She would notice if there was a still full bag of feed hanging from the stand and I really can’t take the chance of having a small amount of fibre feed stagnant in my PEG all night. I really don’t know yet what happens with a blockage and I’d hate to have to go through that procedure again if a new one had to be placed for some reason.

Me refusing the feed sent Mum into an exasperated anger which scared me because I hate feeling that people are annoyed/disappointed with me. I get scared that they hate me and worry about being left. It then brought on intense guilt leaving me thinking about the bottle of “Parapaed” in the bathroom and the thought of drinking what was left in the bottle. Funnily enough the bottle had been removed by the time I went into the bathroom this morning which suggests mum knew what was going through my head…reassuring and spokky all at the same time! My thoughts also turned to the razor blades but common sense (thank god there was some there) prevailed with thoughts of the looming trip to France and how I would hide the resulting scars.

I feel insecure and unsafe but I’m seeing my psychologist tomorrow for another imagery session so will talk it through with her then. I’m nervous though because I’m seeing my new/old dietician tomorrow. Not sure if I’ve explained that so for those who don’t know, my dietician from the inpatient EDU got a job with my outpatient team as the new dietician so now I’m going to be seeing her again. She is really against “assisted feeding” ie tube feeding so I am really nervous about how she will react to the situation I am in. As if I need to add more crap to my head…

I’m tired and I need/want to feel loved.

Can’t…

I once said I couldn’t
I yelled it
I screamed it
I told everyone
Then someone said
“I know you can’t”
So then I did it,
to prove them wrong

 

I’m not sure where I got that from but it just seemed appropriate for just now. Not really sure why because I really don’t feel like defying anyone at the moment. Everyone is being tremendously supportive so there isn’t really anyone to defy…except perhaps anorexia?!

Pain improving slowly and I’m getting more able to go about my day to day stuff. Still tired but I guess that’s to be expected. I’m seeing my Mum’s chiropractor tomorrow - he offered me free exerimental sessions to see if he could do something to help me. I’m not against trying anything new so said I’d give it a go. Can’t get my head round having a surgically implanted tube - just tend to do the cleaning and rotating then stick it under my clothes and leave it to hell alone. I try not to think about it to much and look at it; maybe if I pretend it’s not there it will disappear. It’s the only way I can cope with it right now so that is what I have to do.

Hated support group last night because everyone was talking about recovery and how great it is and I just felt so alien and just couldn’t relate to what they were saying at all. I got really frustrated and quite upset about it all and to be honest it is putting me off going back to support group next month. I just feel they have forgotten what it felt like to be where I am and that is hard to deal with. I don’t feel I belong…

Anyhow off to find something offline to do

xx

Tough times…

Following my last post I had to go back into hospital…home again now and hoping to stay here. Just wanted to put up a wee post incase anyone is following this and had wondered where I’d gone. I was miserable in hospital this time, a different ward, a room by myself and lots of tears and tantrums and general hysterics Not helped by the nurse who told me until I ate and drank I wouldn’t be getting home). I was scared, anxious, very tired and in lots and lots of pain.

That aside the PEG is functioning as it should, the stoma is clean and the tract seems to be healing. Now only major problems with my bowel which is causing me lots of distress and discomfort

I’m hanging in there…

Following the break in service…

I’m back! Think this will be a short one tonight because I have had a busy day for someone who is supposed to be taking it easy and sitting at the computer typing is tiring and a little painful. I just wanted to put a post up to say that the PEG insertion went ahead last Thursday and the procedure itself went ahead with very little problems. I then got peritonitis over the weekend and have NEVER experienced pain like it I eventually got home just about 5pm last night. So tired and still sore and fuzzy from the painkillers. The PEG is working well though and I don’t regret having it done, at last I can go about without the visible symbol of a feeding tube

More soon I promise but not well enough just yet

xxx

Bricking it…!

Sorry for the rather coarse subject/titel but I can’t think of any other way of putting it. I am totally and utterly past myself with fear and nerves. I have a whole swarm of butterflies break dancing in my stomach. I just wish I could close my eyes and it would all go away. Tomorrow I go into hospital for the tests, preparation, overnight fast (makes me laugh that one )etc then Thursday I get the PEG tube put in. I’ll be SO glad when this is all over with. I’m beyond even worrying about whether the PEG is the route I want to go down or not (think I’m too far down it to U-turn now) all I can think about is on Thursday I’m going to get a camera down my throat and a tube shoved through my stomach wall. If anyone is reading this, take away from this random babble that anorexia is NOT pretty, it is NOT enviable, it is NOT a lifestyle and it is NOT a choice! It’s an evil, nasty illness which can KILL!

Usual posting will resume when I can.

 

Feeling threatened and scared…head spin!

My head is driving me crazy today. I’ve been struggling all day, in fact been struggling since yesterday when it was confirmed that I would be going into hospital on Wednesday

Anyway totally innocent things are sending me into paranoid panic. Like my friend A texted me to say that he and my best mate were going out tonight…see there doesn’t seem anything wrong with that except I then got thinking OMG K didn’t tell me so she wanted to keep me out of it. What if they get really friendly and don’t want me anymore. What if I lose K as my best mate? I’m so insecrue at the moment. I think I’m also jealous that they can go out and have a nice time and I’m stuck at home. Someone press the off swtich in my brain and stop these thoughts…

Okay then there was the email from my friend down south where she was speaking about my forthcoming PEG insertion. She also has an ED so knows a lot about what is going on. Anyway she said something about most people refusing to be tube fed at home so it got me thinking that I’m not really anorexic and that it is wrong for me to accept any form of nutrition. If I was really anorexic as soon as my section was lifted I’d have told them where to stick there tube.

Add to this I feel physically unwell. Felt really queasy and unsteady today and just wanted to rest which is so not like me. I feel lazy

I just want to be accepted, feel comfortable and be able to relax nowing the people I care about are not just going to drop me. My head is driving me nuts…