No hope

I’ve done the psych admission, I’ve done the self-harm, I’ve done the overdosing and I’m still here. Still here, still sad, still hurting. I don’t think I can keep going much longer. I’m meant to inform my Mum when I’m “code red” (psycho babble for ready to top myself) but I just feel such a nuisance having to walk down the hallway and tell her I’m code red x 100. I just want to purge and purge which I did all afternoon. I feel so full and after having lost a decent amount of weight I am sure I have put it all back on again. I feel full…I want to get rid of that feeling. Last night I resorted to purging in the bin so my parents wouldn’t hear me in the bathroom. I just don’t want this anymore. I want to be thin, in control, and happy. I have the means to do something but I know I won’t because I NEVER do and when I do something I always end up feeling scared at the last minute and telling someone. So I guess I’ll trudge down the hallway and spend the evening attached to my Mum’s side. Just let me take my sleeping meds and get out of this mind

Tags: anorexia, Borderline Personality Disorder, dying